I am one of those people who grew up in church. Well not really grew up there I only went on Sundays. But I would say I grew up in church because even though it was just on Sundays I have gone all throughout my childhood. I actually remember doing crafts in the baby and toddler room at children’s church.
Fellowshipping with God’s people every Sunday was not something I looked forward to, in fact I tried everything to not have to go, I cried, pretended I was sick or pretended I was too tired. None of it worked, not even the time that I was actually really sick. I guess I was the girl that called wolf so I wasn’t believed when the wolf really showed up. So off I went only to be escorted back home by a Sunday School teacher after throwing up in her class.
I eventually became born again at 12 years old. I know there was a real change because I wanted to go for the first time in my life. I actually asked to go more even at nights by myself. I might add that this was downtown Kingston, Jamaica not every one would dare going on the bus at nights never mind at 12.
Walking with God was very good at first but rocky also. I had a deep desire to live for Him and serve Him. God was faithful and He kept me from many dangers that most young girls fall into in the Caribbean. Then I moved to Canada. Canada showed me a whole new world where God wasn’t so real or necessary as before. I soon stopped attending church on Sundays because my job required me to be available. Sure enough after a while I strayed from God, but I’m grateful I didn’t get too far because He still had my heart.
I eventually got married at almost 20 years old and had my first child at 22 after completing only 2 years at university. At that time looking back I knew what God had done for me. If I hadn’t gotten to know Him I could easily been pregnant by 16, not even out of promiscuity but plain naivety. I also remembered the peace and joy that my relationship with God brought. I wanted my baby to have the God that was keeping me all those years so as soon as I knew I was pregnant I put my foot down with my job. I started to go back to church on Sundays and even on Wednesdays and Fridays too.
Then the unexpected happened. After only 3 years married and while pregnant with my second child my husband and I were on the verge of a break up. My whole world fell apart. I didn’t know what would become of me. No where in my plans did I have not finishing school and being the single mother of two children. I had no clue what to do and so I reached out to God. But you know what I couldn’t hear Him, I couldn’t find Him. I then reached out to my then pastor and that was a waste of time. I was confused. I had done so many things right. I had given up so much and suffered even because I had chosen the Godly path for my life and then when I needed help I had none.
I was mad to say the least, and you know what I threw in the towel. I was mad at God and the church. So I stopped attending and I stopped praying. I lived life from there on then however I chose, no longer was God or His word a thought before making a choice. God was no longer real to me. No I wasn’t atheist I just didn’t care what He thought anymore. My husband and I stayed together but in my opinion not due to God but to us, since I had to fix it myself I realized that I had to keep it together myself also.
I completely changed. There was nothing that was really off limits. If it was not hurting anyone else then sure why not. I couldn’t hurt myself anymore anyways. The only thing that made me think twice was the potential of hurting my mom. The things I was doing didn’t bother me one bit but I knew they would bother her and so that knowledge kept me a bit in line. I was unwilling to hurt and embarrass her publicly, privately wasn’t an issue.
Till finally another 10 years later my marriage was in jeapordy again. And it’s so interesting that the very circumstance that caused me to walk away from God it’s in the very same circumstance He became real to me again. In fact more real than ever before. I know that in all my years away from God that my mom continually prayed and believed and beseeched for me to return to Him. And so with that I want to say thank you mom. Also with that knowledge I want to encourage myself that no matter what my children may go through God is still faithful. And though my marriage did come to an end the second time around and yes the loss may have hurt but in that ordeal I gained Christ.